-Join a Support group – it may be silly but joining a support group and hearing other people’s cray cray stories will help you and maybe make you realize that your situation isn’t as bad as you thought. I didn’t have one in my community, but there are numerous ones online that you can participate in. Sometimes an anonymous posting to a forum with a bunch of women that understand is all you need.
-A Magazine for you - Step Mom Magazine is an awesome magazine dedicated to step moms like you! I subscribed to a year of it last year, and it helped me find inspiration to stay positive. It’s strictly an online magazine, so a tip I can share with you of what I did was I printed out my favorite articles, put it in a three ring binder and whenever I needed a pick me upper, I read through my book. There is also a support group forum that you can join and get email notifications. It’s $45 a year, which is why I could only afford the one year. -Allow your partner to actively take care of his children - If you want to have a good relationship with your stepchildren and your partner, don’t automatically become the primary housekeeper. Of course, you may do some tasks for your stepchildren, just as you would for other family members, but you'll become resentful if you feel you must fulfill all maternal duties for them -- especially if you don’t feel appreciated for what you do. You aren’t shirking stepmother duties if you don’t cook, clean, and do their laundry. Those are your partner’s jobs, even if you're staying home to care for your own biological children. In most cases, stepmothers should operate more as a babysitters or aunts than as parents. This will leave you more time for activities that provide you with the most meaning and pleasure.
-Make your Marriage a Priority - Did you know that second marriages have a higher risk of divorce than first marriages? 70% to be exact... 70 FREAKING PERCENT!! Your marriage is a delicate flower, no matter if this is your first or second. It takes work to nurture it, to grow it, to make sure the hypothetical petals don’t fall off. To be content as a stepmother and survive the stresses of stepfamily life, your relationship with your partner must be the most important priority in your life and his (right after your own well-being, which should always come first). Having fun together and making sure you have your date nights alone strengthens your relationship and makes it easier to get over the crises when they occur.
-It’s a Business Relationship with the Ex - If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say, Don’t Say it at All or Don’t Even be Around to Risk Saying it. I do not like the ex. She is very rude, cray cray, irrational, and difficult to deal with. Because of my tendency to protect the ones I love, I have made the decision not be around her as much as possible. You may find this odd. I just do not want to risk getting into verbal blows with her, especially when my stepchild is around. When I am around her, I keep conversations short, sweet and business like. Remember, there is a reason why your husband divorced her. -Accept that your feelings for your stepchildren and the feelings that your stepchildren have for you are “good enough”- Oftentimes, stepmothers feel pressured that they must love their stepchildren and expect their stepchildren to reciprocate that love in return. Love is an emotion that can’t be forced. If you love your stepchildren, that are wonderful, but if you don’t, that’s also acceptable, as long as you provide kindness, compassion, and respect to them. No more and no less should be expected of you. When you remove expectations that you must love your stepchildren, it'll be easier just to be nice to them -- and in a genuine way. This can lead, eventually, to love.
-Don’t take it personally-This is something I need to personally work on myself. Most of us as stepmothers try our hardest to be kind, considerate, and loving to our stepchildren. If our efforts are rebuffed, we naturally feel extremely hurt. Stepchildren may reject your attention and warmth for various reasons. Perhaps they feel that since they already have two parents, they don’t want a third one in their lives. They may be afraid their mothers will be hurt if they become close to you. They may not trust that your relationship with their father will last and don't want to experience loss again. Or they simply may not share your interests or temperament, and find it hard to relate to you. Any of these obstacles can take a long time to overcome, and the situation might not change at all despite your best efforts. Whatever the case, you need to accept things as they are for your own emotional welfare and not take stepchildren’s rejection of you as a personal attack.
-Not all step moms are created equal – Don’t compare yourself to those other step moms because you’re not them. Everyone’s situation is different. You’re going to meet moms who are best friends with the husband’s ex (yeah I know, I could never), you’re going to meet moms that have amazing relationships with their step kids, you’re going to have step moms that absolutely hate having step children, and you’re going to meet step moms that have cray cray ex’s they have to deal with (I’m in this category. Sigh.). In this crazy blended world, each situation is different and comparing your relationship to someone else will only drive you nuts. -Knowledge is Power – Read this book. It’ll give you some insight on step motherhood and justifying the feelings you feel as a step mother. I promise you won’t regret it.
66 Comments
3/25/2015 10:22:11 am
Being a step mother is one of the most challenging roles I have ever done! I hope my post gives you ways to find support when being a step mother runs you down. Just know that you're not alone!
Carrie
9/22/2015 03:56:04 pm
Your write up was amazing. It was like reading my life. Thank you for saying that you're not alone.
Minnie
5/29/2017 09:07:17 pm
I have so many experience from being a step-mom that I would love to write a book about step-parenting for people to read before taking that major step, but if I write a book then she will come after me for it.
Haley
1/27/2018 09:43:48 am
Ive been a stepmom for 8 years now. I entered my sons life when he was just a month old. I was only 22 when i met his father and we fell on love fast. But dealing with my sons mother has not been a cake walk. I have tried to step back and not step on her toes i have gone out of my way to make things ok with her and no matter my effort i dont get much in return. Being a stepmom is hard. Not because of my son bit because of his narcissistic mother. Plays the victim. Cant have a convo with out her saying she feels lime she is being attacked. The list goes on. The bond i have woth my little man is amazing tho. We are extremly close and he calls me mom and has since he was little. Ive allowed him to call me whatever he sees fit. I dont want him to feel pressured into think he has to call me mom but he does anyways which is a great feeling. I was lucky enough that i dont have a conflict with my stepson or he doesnt hate me or resent me.
Fapalmtree
4/20/2015 05:39:52 am
Love this! Have been a step mom for 11 years and still struggle everyday. Really struggling right now. SD is with us now; however bio mom is moving 3 houses down. Ugh 4/20/2015 10:14:54 am
The older my SS gets, some days it feels like times have only been getting harder. Anybody in your situation would struggle with having BM move three houses down from them. Make sure you voice how you are feeling to your spouse. Create a game plan and lay out some ground rules on what is ok and not ok. The last thing you want is BM to show up whenever she wants just because she's three doors down.
Rachel
6/18/2015 01:09:07 pm
All I have to say is thank you! I really needed this right now, and with a completely evil (not cray cray, EVIL) BM, it causes me a lot of anxiety and stress, which then my two year old (and unborn child) feel as well. I need to find these support groups. My best friend is in a similar situation, but I need the support. I can tell. Thank you for this!
Bridget
10/7/2015 10:52:34 am
Thank you.. I also have an EVIL ex wife in the picture. Lately things have gotten worse and we are going back to court. Its so hard to stay positive and optimistic some days. Thank you for this post!
Agrim
6/30/2015 02:56:24 pm
My husband has 2 children, and it is a very hard struggle for me. They use to love being around us and we all got along great but now my stepson hates me. He won't talk to me at all. If I talk to him he ignores me and then my husband thinks I am not trying. I don't know what to do anymore
Chantal
7/18/2015 10:07:15 am
i relate a lot with everyone specially with Agrim. I've tried everything the last 5 year to build a relations hop with my stepson without success. And like Agrim my spouse think's i did not try enough ...i saw a therapist for 1 year to get past the guilt ... Today i let go but Were getting distant me and my spouse. I'm sad and i don't know were all this Will lead ...
Canada
10/16/2015 03:36:19 pm
I needed to read this. I needed to know that's its OK that I don't love my SS. Lately I find it harder. EVERYWEEKEND... every weekend of my life is gone. I met my bf when I was 23 and its been 3 years. I don't remember the last time I had fun. I have no friends now.. I'm feeling down and I'm putting the blame on my SS and I don't mean to but I don't know where else to put the blame. Its either I leave the one I love or I listen to high pitch yelling every weekend. Worst thing is I love him when he's gone. I spent over $500 on Christmas presents for him... 2 weekends ago I went into his room to help him clean and it was an argument.. He disrespects everything I've ever bought him.. Nothing is in 1 piece. Its dirty. And pieces are missing. I regret everything a bought and I have no receipts so he gets it all anyways. I really needed this vent. Sorry. I'm just not in a good place right now 10/16/2015 04:11:25 pm
No need for apologies. This is what this post is for! However, I noticed that you did not mention anything about your boyfriend being supportive of you being in a step mom role or what kind of parenting he is doing about the disrespect his child is doing to you. Talk to you bf, and create a plan to parent your SS. If that doesn't work then seek professional counseling.
Charity
2/4/2018 04:27:28 am
I can relate to this. My stepson and I went through this. It nearly killed me. However, after realizing it was destroying me as a person, I had to stop. I started thinking of me and my husband. The rule is, you only have to provide children a place to live, food to eat, and general care. Going out of your way to give things is a bonus. No matter what age children are, you have to give respect to get respect. I stopped with the gifts and the extras. When he wanted to do things, I sent him to his father. When he needed extra things, I sent him to his father. Children really just want their bio parents to step up and to see what their importance is with the bio parent. Your husband had to be the one to say he is not or is going to buy, clean, give, or decide. You are not the bio parent and you don’t have to be the one to always make decisions. When my stepson realized that I was the one doing everything and he was getting respect from me by me not being the parent, things changed. We still have our moments, but I never argue, I never give in, and I never make the decision. I leave it up to his father. And at some times, I even told him that he should discuss it with his mother. That was a big eye opening experience because when he realized that I respected her enough to tell him to ask her, it really changed. Good luck. I know it’s hard. I secretly cry once a week.
Alyssa
2/19/2018 10:50:41 pm
This is such great advice thank you so much!! I feel like such a bad person sometimes when all I want to do is cry, I just get so mixed with emotions.
Danielle
10/18/2015 05:20:17 pm
New to this whole step parenting thing and my goodness it's tough, my biggest issue is not letting problems get me down or control my emotions. I love my step daughter but man somedays it's really hard. THANK YOU. Thank you for writing an honest post about step-parenting. I've been step-parenting for almost a year now. My issue with my situation isn't my stepson, I love him. My issue is with his cray cray mom. She's one of the most irritating, irrational, hate-filled, controlling creatures to walk this planet. She's a bully, but in an entirely passive aggressive manner. I know that my boyfriend has figured out what works best for his relationship with BioMom; however, that involves her walking all over him. We can no longer send SS back to BMs in decent clothing...we won't get it back! She'll take SS shopping, and expect BD to cover half of whatever she's spent. He'll cough up the money, and in my head I'm screaming....THAT'S WHAT THE GIANT CHILD SUPPORT CHECK IS FOR EVERY MONTH! She couldn't find SS a Winter coat, so I did. Do you think we'll ever see half of the cost of the coat??? No. Out of the kindness of our hearts last weekend (during our time with SS), we met up with BM to take SS trick-or-treating. (I joked later that the adult's dressed up as "one big happy family"...there was a lot of sarcasm involved.) It's healthy for SS to see both sets of parents acting cordial towards one another, right? Water torture might have been more enjoyable than spending two hours with that witch. Anyways, I'm rambling now. It's nice to read about other step-parents problems....makes me feel sane. Good luck to you all!
C
12/31/2015 11:14:50 am
We had this same problem. I told BM my husband was not her personal ATM, she needs to discuss specific items including prices and they need to be agreed upon before any items are purchased that she expects half for. Also we only send our kids back to her place in clothes that they come in. It's saved me years of grief! I am a step mom to beautiful boys and I love them so much. but the thing is that I try my best to stay away from there mother a lot because it feel weird to be around her because she still feels like she is still in love with there father and she fault that this was a short term relationship between and the father. but once in the while the boys have some type of way towards me. like the love when I treat or buy them things. but deep down I know the boys wish there mother and father was still together. but this will never happen. but my question is how can I approach the situations without having the boys choosing sides me or there mom. or make the situation worse . please help .... I need some advice 12/5/2015 01:11:16 pm
it's common for you to feel and be caught in situations where you feel your SS's would chose sides, after all there are two houses, two birthdays, two families. The best thing you can do in these situations is provide your step children what they need, which is love, support, and a shoulder to cry on when things get tough.
Colorado
12/8/2015 07:07:17 pm
Thank you so much for this. I have been feeling so down and almost depressed over my stepdaughter and feeling bad because I just don't connect with her right now. I am glad to know I am not alone in feeling like step-parenting is really hard.
EK
12/11/2015 04:43:25 pm
This has been a really inspiring and encouraging post and comments. Indeed I was struggling to love SS and felt guilty that I find that he is in our space. Now I know that I don't have to struggle to hard and also love the fact that I should let his dad my hubby parent him...
Sherry
12/22/2015 11:59:12 am
Thanks for posting an awesome article! I needed this! Only being married a shirt time m, I'm being judged by a insecure bio mom whom thinks I am trying to fill her shoes and take over her children! I made it clear that I will always be their friend, and not a their mom or even the term of step- mom, because I feel they have a mother already. The bio mom brings up past occurrences and can't let go. What part we get to be involved from distance, she in so selfish and doesn't think of her kids. It's another long court modification in our near future, so I needed some positive vibes and words of encouragement. Thank you!
Tanya
12/23/2015 07:12:53 am
I am a step mother to two girls. I have to say that I have been lucky and love them like my own and they love me too. As for their mother, the first 2 years she hated me, however she never spoke bad of me in front of the girls. Now we get along and put our differences aside as its not about her and I but the kids. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 7. The girls are now 13 and 12 and we have 2 other children together that are 2 and 5. They are all so loving to each other. We also raise our children to know and love Jesus and to have grace and mercy towards others. Their mother is remarried and expecting a baby boy in May. We are all excited for this baby. It has taken many prayers, tears, love and forgiveness to get where we are at today in our relationships . Especially financially as we pay $1500 a month in child support and my husband is in the military and let's face it, they do not make a lot but the Lord provides. My input here for those who are enduring hardships with the children and ex, seek God and pray, pray, pray and trust and have faith He will come through. We did and He fulfilled His promise.
Rachel
12/29/2015 01:39:39 pm
Thank you for posting this beautiful response to the article. I met my husband when his son was almost 3, he's now almost 8, and we have a great relationship. It is very hard being a step parent and I don't know how people do it who do not have Christ.
Diana
12/25/2015 12:48:56 pm
Thank you for this post. Being a stepmom is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I'm hoping these tips help me and I'll definitely be reading the book suggested :)
KBSUE
1/2/2016 10:47:37 pm
Thank you... I really needed this, especially now. I will certainly check out that book. BM is neglectful, leaving her daughter with anyone she can. Poor girl goes to a different house everyday, eats sweets for breakfast, doesn't bath or brush her teeth regularly, and has no stability with her mom...It drives me crazy! Especially since we are 2 hours away. I'm hoping the judge rules in our favor. Do you know of any resources that will help ease my mind until then?
True north
1/3/2016 08:21:52 am
I encourage you to check out the step mom magazine. not only do they have great articles to help the everyday step mom, they also have an online forum where you can vent and receive support from other step moms about your situation. It was a saving grace for me.
Caitlin
1/9/2016 01:30:10 pm
I honestly loved this! I'm young and new to the role of being a "step-mother" and honestly its been super hard. I feel like I'm compassionate and loving but sometimes I'm just at a loss in my own corner. I loved reading this! It brought me up! And I too fall into the cray cray bio mom category. Thank you for sharing!
Miranda
1/10/2016 10:34:34 am
Being a proud step mother, I am extremely offended by this post. This is the sole reasons kids feel alienated in blended families. When you marry someone with kids, your duty is to make them AND their children your family. You cannot possible think that it’s ok to purposefully treat your step children different than you biological children. It’s your job as a step parent to love them and treat them equally because YOU made the choice to marry their parent. If you can’t love them like your own, maybe you should have thought twice about marrying their parent. If your step kids don’t want you to be a second parent, that’s fine, but it’s your job to let them know that they are a welcomed part of your new family. Saying step parents should behave as babysitters is an extremely degrading statement. If you’re not willing to step up to the plate and help your spouse with “parental duties” you never should have gotten involved in the first place.
True North
1/10/2016 11:24:36 am
You are entitled to your opinion and not everyone is going to agree to my post. Thanks for submitting a comment!
Stepmom
4/15/2016 04:12:44 pm
I have been a SM for 6 years and my SS came to me when he was little. I have always treated him as though he was my blood. He on the other hand has not treated me the same. He does not call me mom he uses my first name. He shows no affection toward me at all. He is comfortable with this it makes him uncomfortable to treat me as though I where anything else other than I was a SP. His mother is not a very active role in his life and not very good care taker when she does have him. He is still upset that his parents are divorced. I feel that sometimes allowing the freedom for the children to choose to be part of the family sometimes is the parents job. As a parent your job is to guide them in life. Emotionally, educationally, medically providing etc... and sometimes you be the parent you have to allow your step-children/children to grow into you. They have to see the entire picture. If they have controlling, CRAY CRAY OR just a hurt full BP, YOUR JOB IS TO stand with your HUSBAND and support them until the child can see for them self what is really going on. Unless there needs to get some child protection issues or therapy etc brought in. I love my Husband and I have loved his son since the moment he said he had one. That didn't mean he son accepted me or wanted memuch less loved me. I have to let that happen in his heart. Maybe it won't but I love him just like I love the other two kids I have given birth too.
Denise
6/7/2016 02:06:09 pm
Classy response to Miranda! I loved your post and it resonated with me
Bella
2/26/2016 02:23:08 pm
While you are entitled to your opinion, it honestly sounds like youve never faced major conflict with your stepchild or with the biological mother, and if you havent thats great, happy for you. But honestly you cant speak on what u dont know or understand..you have no idea how these other women live..it could be that their husband have told them they arent to have anything to do with their child, it may be a very hateful bitter ex who has made it pretty nigh impossible to be apart of that child life or even apart of your own new family, it might be that your step child absolutely hates you because of their own devices or poisionous thought drilled into them by the bio mom...as they say unless youve walked in someone elses shoes youll never understand so while youre entitled to your opinion why not try to impart some wisdom or encouragement instead of belittleing someone elses exsperiences?-
Megan
1/13/2016 09:15:15 am
I definitely needed to read this today. I absolutely LOVE my SD but her mother is working very hard to take away our time with her. It's making me and in turn my hubby very miserable and I can't help but think that maybe it would be easier if we just gave into her and moved away. I immediately feel awful thinking it but feel totally stuck. Her mother chooses to yell at us in front of her and my SD gets physically upset, my hope is that she's still too young to really remember any of this. It's a bad situation all around but we're hoping our patience pays off!
Amanda
1/17/2016 08:29:58 pm
Thank you so much for this perfectly written article! I had the WORST day and I needed this so badly! Thank you!
Step moms rock
2/6/2016 04:53:49 pm
Thank you for this! I needed to hear that right now. Being a stepmom sucks. And worst of all we don't have any kids of our own and won't. I can relate to what you are saying. Other than BM being cray cray. Just controlling and really doesn't want my SD to be close to me. I expected to love and care for here every other weekend but she can't like me to much . Then recently found out BM talks crap about me to my SD. I've decided to take a step back from things right now. Especially when it come to being around BM.
Bella
2/26/2016 02:13:58 pm
.for the past year and a half of being a step parent ive been completely lost...nothing prepares u for and theres definitley not a manual or how-to book for being a step mom, or how to deal with the ex...the bio mom and i sat down after me and my husband first got together, cause i wanted to have a civil relationship not only for my step son but for sanity and peace sake. Thoufht everything was going well until i saw her true colors..needless to say shes an evil bitter crazy witch from hell. Shes controlling, decietful, manipulating, and theres no line she wont cross.in fact even by stepmom standards of what a crazy ex is, the things this woman has done will shock you. im at my end and have no idea how to handle it anymore..afterall im just the stepmom, what can i do..
Charlett
3/7/2016 11:39:01 am
I am so glad I took the time to read this!!! I'm so glad I'm not alone in this step-parent madness!!! I could get overwhelming dealing with the ex!!! Reading this gave me so much insight keep up the good work!!! It really helped me:)
Amanda
3/8/2016 10:05:56 am
I can't even begin to explain how helpful this article AND feedback from different step mom's was for me in this difficult time of my life. I am 20 years old and have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. I have a SD who is 3 and not to mention a daughter of my own who is about to be 1. I feel like all I do is put in all the effort and love for her as much as possible and still get no credit or the slightest bit of appreciation from my boyfriend nor his rude, disrespectful EX! I never know whether it is right or not to have a hatred towards my SD because she never listens to me. I own my own house and took the liberty of accepting her into my home every weekend so I have set rules for her in my own house that my boyfriend seems to think are too much for SD, is this wrong? Every other excuse for when she does something wrong is "she's just a kid". Ugh!! And on top of it all he will always let BM talk down to him and threaten him with the child EVERY single time she doesn't get her way with something and will always so tell him it is forbidden for me to "discipline" her daughter at my house. What do it do?
Samantha
3/16/2016 06:19:33 pm
Seriously I needed this read today! I have been a step mom for 2 years now to an 8 year old boy and 15 year old girl. I love my SS but my SD is a different story. Its more frustrating then anything to see her blame her father for everything that has happend and I feel of course so guilty for it all. She pushing her father away making him extremely sad, and when I think we're making a brake through together, it's back to the very first day. Shes spoiled by her wicked witch of a mother and her mother always has some excuse to pull out of her flat ass as to why she is the way she is. It's hard not having biological children of your own, you can't raise them the way you want when they already have a bio mom doing it her way (deff not the same as mine). It saddens me and angers me at the same time, I'm just glad I'm not alone.
TXStepMom
3/31/2016 11:44:41 pm
So. Much. Yes.
CT
4/14/2016 02:08:00 pm
So needed! Agree it is difficult, have been a new stepmom to a 3 year old SD and 7 year old SS for the past year. Fiancé and I are getting married in October and the closer the wedding gets, the worse BM is behaving, with threatening emails, calls, and in front of children. Has let their house go into foreclosure in bid to hurt us. Ridiculous. Love fiancé and step kids deeply. I do not speak to or engage with her at all. I believe she in mentally unstable. She is one who ended marriage with cheating. After she got what she wanted, still wanted control. Too bad! We are planning a family and future that you will not be involved in. BM parents keep insisting to fiancé that we ALL meet and talk so she can be comfortable and know me-no dice sorry. I see the emails and hear the phone calls, that would not be productive. Sorry for the long vent!
Everything is not Jelly
5/23/2016 01:31:16 pm
Thankfully I'm not alone, didn't know I was walking into hell, kids are getting more rude, defiant, disrespectful, they're 12 & 10 & treat their dad so bad & act like angels in front if their mom, they cuss and demand their dad to do things, they call him names, tell him shut up & the dad has no control, mom calls CPS, doesn't know how they act, I wasn't to video tape & send her but I won't. Looking for a way to keep relationship strong without them destroying us.
Sarah
6/7/2016 10:17:47 am
Thank you! I'm in the same boat with the cray cray ex. So grateful you took the time to write this.
IN step mom
11/1/2016 10:20:37 am
I am glad that I am not alone, although I am ready to throw in the towel. I thought I knew how bad it would be to deal with BM drama. OH BOY! Was I ever mistaken... If I had the chance, I would not do it again. I love my husband. I love the teens. Don't love what can be done in IN to punish men financially and mentally. Don't love the thought of how things will be for the rest of my life. {sigh...} If you aren't married yet and it is already bad, don't think that it will get easier or better. It won't. Baby mama drama is real...even in high school and college!
Casey
11/16/2016 09:48:26 am
I'm so happy I was able to read this. I have so much struggle with my SS. I wish there where enough words to describe how immature (and other mean things) the BM is. You know the BM is so careless. I remember telling my husband once asked her to let him move in with us. Because she is never home and doesn't give him the attention he needs. His son is over weight because all he eats is McDonald's. He is 5 and still doeant know his alphabet and he is always home with the grandma. And well you guys know how grandmas are. She lets him do what ever he wants and he is starting to be a little rude and having some misbehavior problems. I clearly remember her answering "When ever he starts giving me problems and being a bad boy." Like WTH?? WHAT KIND OF MOTHER THINKS THAT ABOUT THEIR OWN SONNNN!!!?? I just wish she could be out of his life. She doesn't deserve to be a mom. The only times she calls or makes him talk to us is when ever it's pay day for her. Then he has a dad. Then she makes talk to him. She is making her son a gold digger just like her because his son only talks to him when ever he wants to be taken out or bought something. It just bugs me. I try to keep myself strong and tell my husband not to show him his love with material things like the mom does. To take him out and spend his time together playing. Because at the end that's what kids remeber. The quality time.
Hails
12/27/2016 12:22:31 pm
I'm 20 years old have been with the same man for some time now with a 4 year old daughter. This has helped me so much . His BM is a high maintenance money hungry woman . Who nothing my bf does is good enough we are only able to get her the weekedns. And she complains that's not enough we both work thirds and pick her up from school the days they have work . We pay for clothes food daycare schooling. And on his insurance. I've tried everything to be nice to her . Sent her pics of her daughter while we had her and all she does is talk down about me to the 4 year old telling her I'll never be her mother. And that's not something I would ever want to replace her. That's her choice souley . Just hurts that I take care of her and she always comes to me when she's here but get spat on when she's at her mother's I don't talk to her if I don't ABSOLUTLY have to. But reading this has helped me to realise the baby is more important than my feelings towards the BM
Fi
2/15/2017 07:59:32 am
What a great read! I have a step daughter.... momma is cray cray also. We can't even have a business conversation. She's attacks me every time we are in the same fasinity of each other. As hard as raising a step child is on 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends; trying raising one 75% of the year bc your husband has primary custody....it takes a toll on my relationship with my own children and my relationship with my husband. I resent the step child constantly even though none of it is her fault. Thankfully my step daughter knows her mom is a liar, manipulater and down right mean. But she still tries to please her BM knowing this. I guess it bothers me. I'm sure one day she will get tired of her games and tell her to fly a kite but why do my kids and I have to suffer until then?!? I'm in the exact same boat as you are. My boyfriend has sole custody of his 10 year old. His only sees his mom 2 days a month, but that's enough. He comes back home disrespectful and disruptive. I don't have any kids myself so it's very hard for me to deal with this. My boyfriend is very understanding and takes lead on discipline so that helps a ton. But I still can't stand him when he gets like this. I don't have patience since I didn't raise him or any other kids, but I try so hard and always end up feeling guilty for not liking him at times. This post hoped me realize I'm not alone. I think stepparent ing is so hard, especially if you don't have kids of your own. But I love my SS, but struggle at times. But his father is the love of my life so I'll continue push on.
LW
2/27/2017 11:23:46 am
I am stepmom and mom to four teens. Two boys mine and a boy and girl my stepkids. My husband and I have full custody and the kids only see BM maybe once a month. I have been in this stepmom role for almost five years but it seems the older the kids get the more difficult it is for me to cope. Kids used to see BM under supervision due to her being involved with drugs. But she rehabilitated and now they can visit her. It's hard - most of the time I feel stretched so thin juggling between teens and all their emotions and needs, school, work and housekeeping. I relate so well to the comments about it being a thankless job - But each morning I get up promising myself that I will do better. How do you find a balance?
Jax
3/10/2017 08:49:16 am
I actually feel so depressed sometimes as my husbands ex is the worst possible person ever. She hates me and my son. And make my stepkids feel so guilty for loving us. We are a great family and all 3 kids get along like they have been born as brothers and sisters. I have a great relationship with my stepkids. But nothing that I ever do is to her liking. She tells me that I am not a parent to them and will always just be their slave. She chases me out of parents meetings at school. And the tells me 2 days later per message that I must help my stepdaughter with her speech or project. Then I am good enough. I am not allowes to cut their nails. Or take them for haircuts. Or even take them to the dr when they are sick. I treat them like I treat my own son. The kids are sufferinf so much because of it. They feel sad as their Mother tells them that she hates another Parent that they love. We are forever at wat with her over emails or messages. We do not communicate verbally at all and avoid any contact if possible for the sake of the kids as she can just not behave herself. This is so very tiring. And definately puts a lot of strain on a relationship. Eventhough my husband and I am on the same page, the both of us gets affected by it from time to time. Him because she treats me that way... when she should be greatful that I am not an evil stepmother. And me because it makes me feel sad and makes me even more sad that the kids must go through all of this...
Cass
3/31/2017 12:56:07 pm
I love this! The only problem is that in my situation, I am more of a mother than BM is. I've been with my fiance for 4 years and SS is turning 6 this month. I'm only 22 and it took me a while to find my footing as I didn't know what I was getting myself into. We are all in a great place right now; SS loves me and I love him to pieces. It definitely has its obstacles when we only have him on weekends and BM won't budge for giving us more time with him. BM isn't evil she's just an awful parent and just the worst at communication but I think the worst part is F and BM won't talk to each other. It's just me and BM bf communicating. I know. Ridiculous!
C T
5/30/2017 10:01:22 am
Help me!!
7/20/2017 08:11:05 pm
I am so happy to read this right now. I have been w my bf for almost 4 yrs. His son was 4 when I moved in my son was 5. I thought his son was so adorable. He had been a single dad for a while, so u know dinner was whatever could be thrown in the oven n tossed in the trash by night no veggies. My SS hates veggies. They played catch in the house and did boy stuff. My son and i moved in after 3 months of us dating and my son started school that same yr while his was not yet old enough. Now as almost 4 yrs have passed,I feel as tho I am losing my mind. My SS has been suspended from school in multiple occasions he's been suspended from boys and girls club and I feel as tho he's going to be 10 and in jail. My son is perfect attendance straight A while my SS is off staying home half the time because he can't get thru school. I feel like my anger is thickening for this child and my love for my SS is depleting. I feel as tho ill never get it right and im losing my relationship because of this. How do i fix it. ..?? We have both boys all yr long except summer months when my BS goes to visit his father and i feel like maybe i can bond w my SS while hes away to maybe work on this love were missing, and speak of psycho BM oh man do we deal with one, when shes around!
on the brink
8/8/2017 08:31:24 am
i needed to see this so badly today....you don't ever want to say anything because of the stigma, therefore you start to stifle your emotions and feel like you are the only one going through pure turmoil. thank you so much for the post & thank you so much for everyone's comments....i was starting to think i really sucked as a human.
Heather
9/3/2017 07:01:22 am
This is a great post; however, I am on both sides - stepmother and my kids have a woman in their lives that is basically their stepmother. I am sure SHE would post here that I am a "crazy ex" and that I am unreasonable, money hungry, etc. From her perspective, I can see how she might think these things. But what she doesn't know is what the relationship with me and my ex was like. Maybe their relationship is great, but ours was not and there are things he agreed to that he did not follow through with in regards to our children. There are times, I must admit, that I acted crazy and irrational because I was VERY angry about the lack of follow through and what that meant for my children. With all that said, I don't think I actually AM crazy (said the person who is crazy 😜). She has disrespected me, as the bio mom quite a few times, so now I pick up my kids and don't say a word to either my ex or her. I don't respond to her texts anymore. I do understand there are actually cray cray exes out there. I don't know what the answer is to the question "at what point do you give the bio mom the benefit of the doubt?" Because if she ever tried to do that for me and treat me with an ounce of respect, she might find out that I am quite reasonable and would love to actually get along with their step mom in the best interest of my children.
TW
10/14/2017 12:22:23 pm
Wow I can totally relate and had no idea how many people share these issues. Thank you all for sharing. My problem is that my 14 yr old SD treats my newborn son like a doll. She has no respect for me as his mother and never asks if it's alright to hold him. I want her to hold him but it's a pain when she just acts like she knows what's best for him and when he becomes very upset I have to take over and it just takes longer to get him back into his routine. I have trouble finding a way to confront her about the way she acts and I wouldn't say anything about it if I didn't have my own child in the mix since I understand it's her father's role to address her actions. I'm also afraid to say no to her because I know she could end up hating me and splitting up the relationship between me and her father. I've talked to him about this and he says she doesn't know any better but that's why I would want her to show me respect as his mother and ask me before she does anything with him. But being a teenager she acts like she knows everything. I just wish I knew how to approach this because it's a struggle enough just learning to be a mom to my newborn and this is an issue I never thought I'd have. Btw SD starting to take on traits of cray cray BM...
Roselyn
12/13/2017 06:40:17 pm
I am glad to know that I am not alone. My husband was never married to my stepsons mother and he is actually 4 months younger than our oldest (long horrible story). I always feel like people are judging me as a step parent and that they are watching my wvery move. Everyone tells me that I have to love him just like my own kids and put a lot of pressure on me to go above and beyond. Its so hard and only because my stepsons mother is a horrid person who has treated us very badly for 10 years because of what happened when we were kids. I feel broken and helpless and I just cant deal half of the time anymore. Of course I cannot say this to ANYONE else because then I get to hear about how unfair I am being and nees to think about what my stepson and his mother go through.
GR
2/11/2018 10:40:22 am
I appreciate that there is support out there for those of us who fall in love with men with children. One thing I have to say I disagree with is some of the unkind "labelling" language being used in the article and comments to describe a partner's ex ("crazy," "cray-cray", "evil," etc). I feel like this could contribute to further polarizing bio parental conflict and place step kids into a painful loyalty bind, because even if you do not refer to her in these terms in the presence of your step kids, they will feel this attitude in the air and feel pain and confusion as a result. They didn't choose their parents and can not help but to feel their parent's pain, fear and heartbreak, and the tension between families. Kids will likely act that out.
HW
2/13/2018 02:20:05 am
Finally, someone else sees the situation as a whole instead of a half. I had commented before about quite possibly being seen as the “crazy ex”. I have even tried to invite my kid’s step mom to coffee so we can talk about the kids. She won’t go. She texted me once to tell me how I was doing something wrong and I needed to get in the same page with her and my ex. I said again “until you sit down with me and have a conversation about my parenting, please don’t tell me how to raise my kids.”
GR
2/13/2018 10:07:41 am
Good for you for inviting that conversation. Her lost opportunity. And thank you, I hope your situations work through to a good place as well!
He
2/20/2018 12:00:01 pm
I hate to hear things didn’t work out for you, but you are right...it was just 5 months and probably many life lessons learned. I do understand that even in just 5 months a break up can be devastating based on the “map” that was discussed. Things that get me through that is remembering that everything is temporary and to enjoy things for what they are today. I hope all works out for you and that if you date a man with children again, he be WAY more appreciative of the lengths you went for his kids and him to attempt to make it work.
GR
2/20/2018 11:11:44 pm
Thanks He! I appreciate that. :) Leave a Reply. |
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